mybreastmessenger

NOVENA OF CHILDLIKE CONFIDENCE

The following prayer is to be repeated at the same time every hour for nine consecutive hours.

Divine Infant of Prague, dearest Jesus, you who so lovingly said:  “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and you shall find; knock, and it shall be opened to you,”  have mercy on me now and through the intercession of our most holy Mother, I humbly ask you to grant me the grace I need.  (Name your petition)

Divine Infant of Prague, dearest Jesus, you who so compassionately taught:  “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes,” have pity on me now.  I do believe; help me.  Increase my weak faith and through the Blessed Mother’s intercession, I humbly ask you to answer my request. (Name your petition)

Divine Infant of Prague, dearest Jesus, you who once said to the apostles:  “If you have faith even like a mustard seed, you will say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and be planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you,”  hear my prayer, I humbly ask.  Through the intercession of Mary most holy, I feel certain that my prayer will be answered.  (Name your petition)

I woke up on the wrong side of bed today because I slept fighting depression last night.  As much as I bombarded my brain and vibrational level with positive thinking, the fear was there.  I began dreading visits to the hospitals, I was feeling nauseous at the thought of waiting for another several hours till I would know whether my test results would be released today or 3 more days from now.  I told God that I don’t want this anymore!  I want to live!  “My fear is real, but my faith is stronger,” was my mantra this morning.

In the middle of placating myself and finding my calm center (I even reached underneath my bed just trying to place it), I got a text message from a friend that irritated me.  She wanted to borrow something of mine, but knowing how she fails to return things ASAP, I thought hard.  After saying “yes, but kindly return it as soon as you’re through with it”, I left it with the guard.  She did not respond.  I battled with myself and finally told myself “I am willing to change” and that my assertions were within bounds…  It was just uncomfortable telling someone to return something borrowed as soon as possible.  I find this a growth spurt in my pursuit for mental and emotional health.  So, yay me! in that department.

Yet despite that, I was feeling anxious about my lab results that the doctor would translate into breast cancer staging despite my best efforts to calm my mind.  Finally I got another text message.  It was from the histopath laboratory of the hospital.  My stage result will be out by 11 a.m.

My mom came with me to the hospital.  On our way to the laboratory, we bumped into work acquaintances.  The husband just went through a chemo session for nasal cancer.  I was invoking high heavens, hoping that they wouldn’t ask why we were there.

I went ahead of my mom to the histopath lab.  She was still talking to the elderly couple we me at the hall while I was tense with worry on the laboratory couch.  Across me was the pathologist.  “How can I help you?” asked the man, looking up from the microscope.

“The lady in charge texted me that my lab reports are ready.”

“Oh, okay, just wait a bit, she’ll be here in a few.”

“Thank you.”  I rested tensely on the comfortable blue couch across the pathologist’s examining table, with its medical gizmos and gadgets.  I was content with the silence while I prayed.

“You look familiar,” he said.  I gave him a stiff smile.

“I think I know you from college.”  Another stiff smile.

“You know this girl, _____? She’s a friend. ”

“Yeah,” I replied dryly, “we’re friends, too.”

Finally, the secretary (the one I was waiting for) finally arrived.

“Hi, miss!  I’m the one you texted earlier for my lab reports.”

“Good morning, ma’am,” she said and then turned to the doctor, “Doc, are these tests okay with you?  You agree with the results?”

“Let me just check the slides,” then he addressed me with a sympathetic voice, “when were you diagnosed?”

“On the 27th,” I mumbled unintelligibly,

“My aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer…  20 years already and now she’s still touring the world.” He tried to comfort me as he looked through my frozen section slide.  I tried to smile.  “Okay, ready now,” he said as he handed me the envelope with the result.  “You look really familiar.”

“Thank you, doc.”  I stuffed the white envelop inside my bag.

My mom and I then rushed to the clinic of my oncologist/surgeon.  His receiving area was filled with about 10 patients waiting for their turn.  I hoped nobody familiar was there.

I gave the lab result to the secretary without looking at the paper myself.  There were still 8 patients ahead of me.  My mom wanted to pass the time at the hardware store just along the hospital hi-way.  We had an hour.  While my mom window shopped, I stayed in the van reading Dr. Bob Arnot’s The Breast Cancer Prevention Diet.  I was still feeling nervous about the lab findings while concentrating on my book.

After an hour we went back to the clinic.  There were still 6 ahead of me.  “We’ll be back at one,” my mom told the secretary.

During lunch at a nearby mall, I couldn’t choose the old dishes that I’d easily order on whim.  No more beef steaks, buttered garlic shrimps, no more loads of rice.  I wanted to get well.  “Pumpkin soup, no salt.  Green Tea, no sugar or additives.”

While being tempted by the delicious aroma of buttered garbanzos, I stared at my pumpkin soup which had a beautiful fluff of cream or milk on top which is a high-fat no-no in The Breast Cancer Prevention Diet.  But I was starving.  Good thing it didn’t have salt.

While feeding myself, I prayed an unaccounted successive Novenas of Childlike Confidence while encoding the prayer in my iPhone.  Instead of praying it for nine consecutive hours, I did away with rules and packed most of my minutes meditating the prayer.

Before one, we headed back to the clinic.  On our ride to the hospital, I told God, “I’m surrendering to You, Lord.  I’ve waited this long, and I want to ask you to bless me.  I want to live, Lord.  I surrender that to you.”

In his clinic, the doctor didn’t look right away up at me when I entered.  He was poring over my lab results.  I was even more scared at that moment.  “The mass is big, it’s actually 4 cms.”  I nodded.  “That’s T2, in staging.  It’s big.”  He sighed, “if you’d only come sooner.”  This was it. I still held on to my prayer.

“The other thing we are looking for are the nodes.” Pause. “Zero nodes.  No metastasis.” (T2 N0 M0). Then he broke into a smile.

I could’ve jumped for unspeakable joy.  I was happy beyond belief.  Relieved more than a thousand heavy sighs.

The doctor, secretary and I hugged each other.  I was crying with awe.  Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!

“Your cancer is Stage IIA.”  The doctor scribbled the roman numeral 2 and the letter A beside the Final Pathological Report.  NEGATIVE FOR TUMOR METASTASIS, 10 AXILLARY LYMPH NODES.

Given the fact that the growth was cancer, this is more than I could ask for, that it is still in the earlier stage.

“Now we have to wait for the Estrogen/Progesterone Test,” the doctor said, “Let’s hope for a positive.  This will mean that your cancer is fueled by hormones.”  I will later learn that this is the kind of cancer that responds best to chemo and radiation.

“You may celebrate now,”  the secretary’s eyes were genuinely happy as my mom and I went out of the clinic.

My joy was all over heaven and earth.  I couldn’t thank God enough for the big chance to survive this dreaded disease.

“The Lord has answered your prayers,”  the doctor affirmed while I was crying with relief.

There is no other explanation.  It is with the same frame of thought that I am awaiting my ER/PR test…

And while I wait, I have to get used to my new high-fiber low-fat diet.  Goodbye, hard fat and fast food…  I want to live!

Tomorrow, over the phone, when I talk to my son who’s now on vacation, I will affirm that yes!, “God is on our side.”

Thank you, God, for converting my mustard seed sized faith many fold… Thank you for this jubilant peace!

Thank you, St. Joseph, for your prayers for me too.